Cubicle Chronicles: Wall and All

February 17, 2017

Ever since Marmalade Mark took over it’s all everyone has been talking about: the damn wall. I’m so sick of hearing about it now. It’s kinda funny (not in the ha-ha sense) that last year there wasn’t enough money to give even a $5 pay raise (and no damn bonus at all at the end of the year I might add **insert severe side eye emoticon here**) but now they have gazillions of dollars (ok so that may be a slight exaggeration but I know it must cost bucket loads to do). I mean, how do they expect to retain staff when we work our asses off and get peanuts in return?! Of course not the literal peanuts because at this juncture, peanuts would kinda be welcomed. And believe me, I do work my ass off for this place. Speaking of working my ass off, all that Christmas pudding and turkey and stuffing that my parents forced me to eat is still sitting on my now lard looking ass. And then Aunt Jen cooked her world-famous (it isn’t really world famous but it damn well should be!) sweet potato pie. ( **Stares off in oblivion virtually savoring the taste of Aunt Jen’s should-be-world-famous sweet potato pie**). Maybe I really shouldn’t have eaten the entire pie but I thought she made it just for me! I am her favorite niece after all. Ok I’m her only niece, which makes me even more special right?! Yeah, I thought so. Wait a minute, how the heck did I get to the pie? Let’s get back to the wall. I’m already feeling claustrophobic as it is and then here comes Marmalade Mark down from New York with his grand ideas of turning our cubicles into faux office spaces even though the area would still remain open plan. **insert GTFOH emoticon here** His thoughts (and we all wonder what goes on behind that marmalade-colored-spent-too-damn-long-in-the-tanning-bed-always-mean-mugging-façade of his) were that if he gave people what felt like an office, they’d be more productive.

 

**Insert a very large and bold GTFOH emoticon here**

**Also insert a wide-eyed can’t-believe-he’s-so-dumb emoticon here** (if there isn’t such an emoticon there should be one!)

Sitting in my faux office made my claustrophobic imagination go wild. I kept thinking of the walls closing in around me and I couldn’t contact C3PO to stop them from completely flattening me. The first day behind the wall I swear I kept muttering “help me Obi Wan Kanobi, you’re my only hope.” Just thinking about it makes me break out into a sweat every time. I wonder if I could claim a 6-month mental health holiday for this? No? I didn’t think so either. Marmalade Mark has already fired a few people just because they disagreed with him on some new policy he wanted to put in place so I better just keep my head down. Of course Charlie Brown-Nose is totally Marmalade Mark’s best friend. I bet there’ll be no more of that shag fest going on with him and Big Wig now. **shudders involuntarily from the memory**

Oh, I realize you may be wondering what happened to the Big Boss Man. Well he’s on some kind of Sabbatical. Word around the cubicles is that his wife left him over Christmas and he pretty much had a mental breakdown but none of the ones up top want to come out and say it. So unfortunately, not having the time to find a suitable replacement we ended up with Marmalade Mark.

Anyway, the building of the wall began in all earnest with our cubicle area being one of the first to have the wall installed. The good thing is that I didn’t have to worry what my cubi-dents behind me was seing on my computer screen so I could play solitaire in peace. The bad thing was that I couldn’t drink my fancy schmancy caffeinated beverage in peace anymore for the racket the wall-building was causing.

This particular morning Marmalade Mark came around to inspect the handy work. Did I mention that every time I saw him I thought of a badly colored, bright orange? No? Well I won’t bother then. There I was trying to get my productivity going in between games of solitaire and sipping on my fancy schmancy caffeinated beverage and trying to zone out all the damn commotion going on that I didn’t even notice Marmalade Mark coming over to my set of cubicles. All I can say is thank all the quick-reflex gods and that good ole caffeine running through my veins so that I could shut down my game of solitaire before Marmalade Mark could see. I think he began addressing all of the cubi-dents ( I couldn’t tell for the tall ‘wall’ now surrounding me) and I could imagine that we all adopted that blank look in our eyes and a kind-of-but-not-really-a-smile smile. He tends to shout and rant and speak in tangents that it never made sense to try and follow his line of thought. I tried once and felt like I was Alice wandering down the rabbit hole and nothing made sense! I tried to maintain my rapt look but I couldn’t help follow his weird hand and arm movements as he was shouting. And it was a good thing that I was too because I was able to save my fancy schmancy beverage and get up in time as Marmalade Mark’s pale hands hit the top of my cubicle as he was turning around so that he could address the other cubi-dents. I heard a creak, a groan, and then mayhem.

Yup you guessed it. Those fabulous and expensive walls/faux offices came crashing down like a domino effect. I didn’t think he could go a deeper shade of orange but he did. We all just stood there (except Penelope Pill-popper who was frantically digging through the rubble to get her pills) with mouths agape. Marmalade Mark stormed down the hallway (I think to find the workmen) shouting something about ‘you just seriously can’t get the staff!’ and ‘someone’s gonna pay!’ I seriously hoped that wouldn’t mean overtime for us! But on the bright side, I had an almost full cup of fancy schmancy caffeinated beverage in hand. That had to count for something!

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